I've been struggling with attending High Holiday services when I don't believe in God. I grew up Orthodox so the push from my parents to attend is quite strong, but I feel that the services are becoming less meaningful every year. I'm feeling very confused about what I should do: 1) attend services even though I don't find them meaningful because it would make my parents happy, or 2) do something meaningful during that time which pushes me towards my other values in life (friends, helping others, etc.)?
I do not know where you live, but if you are where there are many synagogues, see if another is more meaningful. Or, go to the less than meaningful one, and generate the meaning on your own rather than waiting to be turned on by the choir, or whatever.
Your alternative - friends, helping others, etc., has me baffled? Why does that have to be precisely at that time? Helping others need not be condensed into the prayer time. That you can, even should, do all year round.
Consider this - in advance of Rosh HaShanah, try helping others. Come into Rosh HaShanah full of kindness expressed, and then contemplate how you can make next year even better!
Thank you for your question. Finding meaning in prayer and struggling with faith are not easy matters. Even those who believe and are committed to a traditional Jewish life style struggle with these questions.
Recently, I came across a passage in Leon Wieseltier’s book Kaddish that spoke to me and I hope will speak to you as well. Mr. Wieseltier grew up in an Orthodox home and received a Yeshiva education but became alienated from religion at some point in his life. When his father passed away, he decided to honor him by reciting Kaddish in synagogue during the year of mourning even though he was no longer a believing Jew. He decided, however, to devote time during the year to the study of the Kaddish– his book is a brilliant journal of his studies and his own struggles with faith. Wieseltier writes:
It occurred to me today that I might spend a whole year in shul, morning prayers, afternoon prayers and evening prayers, and never have a religious experience. A discouraging notion. Yes I must not ask for what cannot be given. Shul was not invented for a religious experience. In shul, a religious experience is an experience of religion. The rest is up to me.
If I understand your dilemma, you feel that you only have two choices: either make your parents happy and suffer through services, or avoid dealing with the holidays completely by doing something completely non-religious. I would like to suggest to you that your question is not necessarily either/or.
First I would have to say that honoring your parents by being with them at a time of year is not necessarily a bad thing for you (or for them). After all, you may not believe in God but I suspect you still feel the compelling nature of the statement, “Honor your father and your mother!”
Having said that, I would suggest that there is a lot that a non-believing person can accomplish by being present in synagogue. One can use the time during services for meaningful self-reflection and one can connect with the Jewish community even if one doesn’t believe in God. I often suggest to my doubting congregants that they bring an appropriate book with them to services so that when they are not praying they are reading. You might find that Wieseltier’s book would be a good exercise for you as a non-believing person who still feels a connection to the Jewish people and culture.
Finally, even you do not believe the questions that the High Holy Days raise can be a meaningful opportunity to explore your own life, and that of your family. I have always thought that the holidays have more to do with asking questions than finding the answers.
I've been struggling with attending High Holiday services when I don't believe in God. I grew up Orthodox so the push from my parents to attend is quite strong, but I feel that the services are becoming less meaningful every year. I'm feeling very confused about what I should do: 1) attend services even though I don't find them meaningful because it would make my parents happy, or 2) do something meaningful during that time which pushes me towards my other values in life (friends, helping others, etc.)?
A friend once answered the statement “I do not believe in God” with the comment, “God does not need anyone’s belief”. The Holy Day observances need not be either for or about God. Rather they are about each individual; a time to take an inventory of the past year, and to do so in the presence of a community. The liturgy is to allow for introspection. And the values that are shared are to do that which you suggested in #2, to urge, even impel, you to “do something meaningful”. The values of the Holy Days give a base for the values of helping others. The Holiness Code of Leviticus 19 deals not with ritual, but with societal necessities; caring for the poor, the helpless and the have-nots. And when you do that which is meaningful for your own self, it will “make my parents happy”. Real prayer begins when the spoken prayer ends; when the words uttered translate into acts of care and lovingkindness. Take that theme into the Holy Days and your attendance will become meaningful to one who questions, or even denies, God’s existence.
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