The questioner’s filial piety is worthy of respect. In its several discussions of The Fifth Commandment, the Talmud specifies that it extends beyond the lifespan of the parent to include acts of mourning and memorialization. Tractate Mo’ed Katan, chapter 3, details the rituals enjoined upon the bereaved, and repeatedly commands stricter and more extensive behavior when the deceased is a parent. For example, the duration of mourning the loss of other relatives is 30 days, but for a parent, 12 months. Clearly, the questioner’s desire to fulfill the dying wish of his father fits into this category of filial piety. (I commend to the questioner’s attention Gerald Blidstein, Honor Thy Father and Mother: Filial Responsibility in Jewish Law and Ethics.)
As for the creation of some barrier between two graves, that is probably a matter subject to the cemetery’s internal rules. Some cemeteries allow low metal railings, but others do not. Likewise, some cemeteries allow the planting of hedge-type plants, but others insist on a “park-like” appearance. If the cemetery were to disallow any interposition, that would not constitute valid reason for disinterring the father’s remains. Jewish law acknowledges only a few, select reasons to justify disturbing the final resting place of the deceased, and this case does not fit into those categories.
I would counsel not to place any inscription on the tombstone that would cast disrespect upon the deceased sister. Shaming the dead, who can not hear and defend themselves, violates the commandment in Leviticus 19:14, “Do not curse the deaf.”
Without presuming to judge the reasons for the deceased father’s animosity towards the sister, I would nonetheless raise some questions that perhaps only those who know the details of this family situation could answer. Moreover, perhaps even they would need to acknowledge that the answers to these questions are beyond mortal’s knowledge.
Would the father have reconciled with the sister had he lived longer, and thus retracted his dying words? One might be tempted to say “no”, but only Heaven knows the full answer to such a question. Estranged relatives have repeatedly mended even horribly strained relations. The reconciliation of Joseph and his brothers, narrated in the closing chapter of Genesis, is a model for all subsequent Jewish treatments of this universal theme.
Was the father wholly the aggrieved party, and was his rejection of the sister wholly justified? Again, I do not presume to know the details that the questioner knows, but I am suggesting that only Heaven knows the full story. This is relevant because, when a dying person makes a wish that is contrary to Jewish law, we are duty-bound to ignore that wish. The terminology of our tradition is “mushba’ v’omed mi-har Sinai”, meaning that the dying person is already under obligation to follow the laws given to our entire people at Mt. Sinai, and thus is not at liberty to command his heirs to disregard any of those laws. In his final words, was the father transgressing “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (Leviticus 19:16)?
Was the father fully in his right mind when dying? If not, then his words ought to be received with compassion, but not followed literally.
These questions, perhaps unanswerable, are intended to strengthen the resolve of the questioner not to act in such a way as would casts public aspersions against the deceased sister. There are times when the Jewish counsel shev v’al ta’aseh, “stay put and do not act”, while psychologically less satisfying than performing dramatic action, is nonetheless the wisest course.
Finally, let it be pointed out that “the dust returns to the earth as it was, but the spirit returns to God, who gave it” (Ecclesiastes 12:7). The remains of the father are not blessed with sight. Burying the sister in the adjacent grave does not cause her to fall within the father’s gaze.
May God, Who is everywhere, be close to the hearts of those who mourn, and bring them consolation.
Rabbi Michael Panitz
Masorti/ Conservative
28 Tishre, 5775/ October 22, 2014
Answered by: Rabbi Michael Panitz
