I'm a Russian Jew. I see myself as Jewish, even though I don't live Jewishly. I practice Buddhism, have non-Jewish boyfriends, and think that believing in G-d the way prayers show me makes man into a weak and helpless being. And yet I feel united with all Jewish women through the centuries when I light Chanukah candles, get liberated from Egypt and certain personal slaveries each Pesach (even though I don't keep any Pesach mitzvoth), and etc. It hurts me to feel that I would not be accepted as I am by other Jews. I don't want to comply and be "a good Jewish girl" just for the sake of it - it's not the kind of life I see for myself. Yet I want to find my place among my people and I don't know where it is... What can you tell me to help me? How can I find a way to fit into Judaism?

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I'm a Russian Jew. I see myself as Jewish, even though I don't live Jewishly. I practice Buddhism, have non-Jewish boyfriends, and think that believing in G-d the way prayers show me makes man into a weak and helpless being. And yet I feel united with all Jewish women through the centuries when I light Chanukah candles, get liberated from Egypt and certain personal slaveries each Pesach (even though I don't keep any Pesach mitzvoth), and etc... It hurts me to feel that I would not be accepted as I am by other Jews. I don't want to comply and be "a good Jewish girl" just for the sake of it - it's not the kind of life I see for myself. Yet I want to find my place among my people and I don't know where it is...What can you tell me to help me? How can I find a way to fit into Judaism?

 

Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik classically distinguished between two Jewish covenants, the “Covenant of Fate” and “Covenant of Destiny”.  The “Covenant of Fate” involves identification with the Jewish past; “The Covenant of Destiny’ involves identification with the Jewish future. 

It seems clear that you identify strongly, passionately, and beautifully with the Jewish past, and I don’t want to downplay how significant that is.  It takes courage to identify with a past as difficult as ours, and to assume a Jewish identity knowing our often lachrymose history.  And that courage has often led to both small and great acts of heroism.

But it also seems clear – I hope you’ll forgive me for being blunt – that right now you don’t identify with any Jewish future.  It therefore seems reasonable for Jews to accept you exactly as who you are, and simultaneously  fair for them to tell you that full membership in the community requires identifying with its destiny as well as its fate.  More than that, full membership requires you to shoulder responsibility for making that destiny happen.

In other words, I am deeply sympathetic with your desire not to adopt Jewish practices and beliefs simply “to comply”.  But is it necessarily true that our prayers “make man (or woman) into a weak and helpless being”?  Much of Jewish prayer is about the astonishing human capacity for both self-transformation and world-transformation.  Prayer must also be set in the context of a system which prioritizes study and action, each of which emphasizes the grandeur and glory of human existence as beings of free will with the dignity of taking responsibility for their actions and of imagining a world different than the one they immediately confront.  If you were convinced that Judaism offers ways to think of human beings as, in the words of Psalms, “only slightly less than Divine”, would new Jewish possibilities open for you?

I can think of two ways that might offer you entrée to the world of Jewish destiny.  The first is study – here I recommend of course Rabbi Soloveitchik’s “Fate and Destiny”, or almost anything by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks of England.  The second is Zionism – not just in the sense of supporting Israel’s right to existence and self-defense, although these are certainly vital and necessary preconditions, but in the sense of envisioning and working for a Jewish state that embodies Jewish ideals and values.  But this should lead back to study, as how else is one to discover authentic Jewish ideals and values?

The Jewish past you identify with was created by people who lived it every moment of their present.  My hope and blessing for you is that you indeed find a way into Judaism such that your present will be an everlasting inspiration to a Jewish future you help create.

  

Thank you for your question.  I appreciate your honesty in the struggle that you continue to experience in your life.  Before I respond to your questions, I’d like to encourage you to think more deeply about the following: Why is “fitting into your Judaism” so important to you?  What does feeling accepted look like?  While it sounds like the laws don’t necessarily resonate with you, you do find a personal meaning in some of the stories, customs, and rituals that are at Judaism’s core.  If we were talking together one on one, it would be as important for me to explore with you why you feel so strongly/passionately about wanting that connection and what it would look like and not simply having the recipe for how to get there.  Often times, answering the former leads to the latter.

 

I ask you to ponder these questions is because on the one hand you like being you, who you are, doing what you do, and not feeling restricted by religion or observance.  At the same time, there is obviously something deeper that draws you to your Judaism that compels you to feel accepted without wanting to fit in. 

 

From a Jewish legal perspective, Jewish identity is determined by your parentage.  In the more liberal streams of Judaism, the Reform Movement for example, as long as one of your parents is Jewish, you are Jewish.  In the more traditional streams of Judaism, Conservative and Orthodox, Jewish legal status is determined by matrilineal descent, meaning if your mother was Jewish, then you are Jewish.  Yes, there are Jewish legal definitions, but for now, depending on your personal beliefs and your own understanding of your Judaism, if you say you’re Jewish you’re Jewish.  Without placing a label on you, my sense is that you could find a connection to your heritage knowing that some would accept you as Jew unequivocally while others might not depending on who in your family is Jewish.  For now, how you identify yourself is probably the most important first step to having a more deeply rooted connection to your Judaism, be it religiously, culturally, spiritually, historically, in terms of narrative or customs.

 

I also wonder if there is something about your being Jewish and being Russian that draws you to having some semblance of connection to your heritage.  As you intimated, you have a strong connection to certain themes and stories in Judaism: feminism, the slavery to freedom motif of Passover, and the metaphor of the miraculous light of Hanukkah that burned perpetually when it seemed unlikely to last beyond a day.  The story of Judaism and of being a Russian is one of perseverance, overcoming adversity, strength, and courage.  In a way, embodying those qualities and characteristics is exactly what it means to be a Jew.  Drawing on our tradition in this way can help create an authentic relationship between you and your Jewish identity. 

 

Lastly, I think it is worth sharing that there are many parallels between Judaism and Buddhism.  Check out this LA Times Article or this one from ABC news from 2006.  And if you haven’t read it, I’d encourage you to read Rodger Kamenetz’s book The Jew and the Lotus.  In terms of prayer, often times it’s better to start with what moves your soul and your heart.  Liturgy aside, what do you pray for?  What do you hope for yourself, for others, for the world?  My guess is that starting with your own worldview will open new doors for your prayer life, and most likely, depending on what you feel best nourishes your soul, there is probably something in Jewish tradition/liturgy that I could point you to that might resonate more strongly than what you read at first glance in the prayer book.  Especially themes like peace, freedom, equality, identity, and the like.  Above all, seeing yourself as a Jew and living as a Jew, regardless of what other people say about you, requires that we treat others, our friends, our partners, our family, and those with whom we disagree and who disagree with us with respect and dignity.  What’s amazing about Judaism is that multiple opinions can coexist side by side about how we understand the tradition and how that tradition relates to our lives, not to mention how our lives fit in with Judaism.  Be patient with yourself as you continue on your journey, keep questioning, and appreciate that your willingness to explore is already a major step in the right direction toward finding how Judaism can fit into your life in a meaningful way.