In the Jewish tradition, attending a funeral fulfills two Mitzvot- two sacred responsibilities.

1. Kavod Ha-Met- "honoring the deceased."  Having a larger crowd at a funeral is a way of honoring the deceased, even if those present did not know him or her.  In fact, according to Jewish tradition, (Shulchan Aruch, YD 361) one is exempt from other sacred tasks in order to participate a funeral.  Bystanders who see a funeral procession passing by must join in for at least a few steps.   If one did not know the deceased, the eulogies provide an opportunity to learn more about him or her.

 

Another important Jewish tradition that may be helpful as you comfort your boss/co-worker is  that of Shiva.  The mourners gather for a period of time (traditionally a week)  following the funeral to receive visitors in their home or the home of the deceased.  Typically religious services are part of the shiva, but there is also time for conversation and reflection.  Attending the shiva is therefore an opportunity for visitors to offer condolences in a more personal way than is possible at the cemetery.  If the mourners are "sitting shiva," it would be very appropriate for you to arrange to visit during that time.

How wonderful of you to be so thoughtful in offering such greetings to your Jewish friends.  The Jewish tradition encourages Jews  to be quick in greeting all people (one example of such a teaching is found in an early collection of sayings called Pirkei Avot 4:15).  In ancient times, there was concern that exchanging greetings with one who worshipped idols might lead them to bless the name of their pagan god.  Therefore, one would choose greetings which were theologically neutral.  In any case, this concern not apply to the Christians of today, who are not idolaters.

 It is not common today for a Jew to wish a non-Jew “Shanah Tovah”- wishing him or her a good year, mainly because we have no reason to assume that he or she would be aware of the new year, or understand the meaning of the Hebrew words.   However, since you clearly demonstrated your understanding of the greeting, he chose to reciprocate in kind.

    In fact,  “Shanah Tovah”- the wish for a good year, is very appropriate to offer to anyone who appreciates their meaning.  The Talmud, in the tractate dealing with Rosh Hashanah, decrees that all peoples of the world, not just Jews, are judged on Rosh Hashanah (RH 16a)   The same tractate (page 8b) also explores the possibility that Rosh Hashanah might be considered to be the new year for the purpose of counting the reigns of  gentile kings.   I hope that you will feel honored to have been greeted in this way- this was a wonderful way for your friend to express his appreciation of your closeness to him and your respect for his tradition.

Going back at least 1000 years, many Jewish communities had the understanding that Jewish burial needed to take place in a cemetery designated for Jewish burial, separate from the burial of non-Jews. The famous 11th century commentator, Rashi (in his comments on the Talmud, Gittin 61a) is one of the first to express this view clearly, and it is found in many later texts as well, including Tur (a 14th century law code). The basis for the restriction is an idea found in the Talmud, tractate Sanhedrin 47a, that the righteous may not be buried with the unrighteous. In the middle ages, the presumption was that someone who is not of the Jewish faith would not be considered “righteous” for these purposes. Areas consecrated for Jewish burial would be separated from other burial areas by a fence, a path, or other open space. That does not mean that Jews could not participate in the burial of non-Jewish dead and support of those who mourn them- this view is stated explicitly in the Talmud (Gittin 61a). It is also worth noting that the tradition includes exceptions to this tradition (for example, a case where many perish together in a common disaster).

 

Modern Jews might have a different understanding of the relative righteousness of our non-Jewish neighbors than our ancestors did of theirs. Nevertheless, the practice of sanctifying a cemetery as consecrated ground for Jewish burial still carries great weight in many communities, presenting a challenge for a generation of Jews that may have strong emotional and practical reasons to be buried with non-Jewish loved ones.

 

The Conservative movment has explored this topic, most recently in a paper which was approved by its committee on Jewish Law and Standards in 2010. http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/sites/default/files/public/halakhah/teshuvot/20052010/Burial%20of%20Non-Jewish%20Spouse-Feb%202%2C%202010.pdf

 

The paper concludes that Jews who wish to be buried with non-Jews may do so without violation of Jewish law, but that the community must stand by commitments made to those who may have purchased graves with the understanding that they were in a specifically Jewish section. It suggests that non-Jews may not be buried in sections already designated for Jewish burial, but that going forward, synagogues and Jewish cemeteries might create sections designated for mixed burial, separated from those consecrated specifically for Jewish burial. As it turns out, I abstained from this paper, but agree with its overall conclusions.

 

Of course, from a realistic perspective, the question is not what is theoretically permitted or forbidden by a given rabbi, but what will happen with the particular plots your family has purchased.

 

Some Jewish cemeteries, and even sections within cemeteries, do in fact have bylaws that restrict who may be buried in that particular section, and how the burial is to take place. So, for example a cemetery section associated with a particular synagogue may require that those buried there must be of the Jewish faith and even must retain an affiliation with a particular organization. Some may even require a particular type of casket/preparation for the deceased, or restrict who may officiate.

 

In order to truly answer your question, you would need to make contact with representatives of them cemetery in question, to determine whether they have such bylaws or restrictions.

 

I hope that you and your wife-to-be are blessed with long life and do not have to face this question for many years to come.

 

You have asked whether Rabbis and other educators should take an active role in sex education of newlyweds.

The Jewish tradition has always emphasized modesty and privacy in sexual relations.  Sexual behavior has traditionally been considered a private activity within marriage, and was not to be flaunted or discussed openly.  And yet, the rabbinic tradition includes significant passages of instruction on the psychological aspects of sexuality, as well as the physical aspects of intercourse.  People often looked to Rabbis for guidance.  One classic text is found in The Talmud (tractate Berachot 62b):  Rav Kahana once went in and hid under Rav's bed. He heard Rav chatting [with his wife] and joking and doing as he would. 

Rav Kahana said “One would think that my master's mouth had never sipped the dish before!”

Rav said to him: Kahana, are you here? Go out! It is unseemly!

Kahana replied: It is a matter of Torah, and I must learn.

Today we do not expect students to literally hide under the bed, but Rabbis and other educators who work with couples through the marriage process should be prepared to guide couples towards success in all aspects of their lives together, including sexuality.  How this help is provided may vary significantly in different segments of the community, and rabbis and others should also be aware of the limits of their skills and knowledge and when outside medical or psychological resources must be brought in as well.

In my own work with couples who are preparing to marry, I find that the majority have access to information about sexuality- they taken a course in human sexuality as part of their secular or religious education, have previous experience with intercourse, or have a physician with whom they feel comfortable discussing medical issues that may arise.  And yet, should troubles arise, couples may be reticent in seeking out the appropriate resources, and rabbis and other counselors can be helpful in providing accurate information or encouraging the couple to pursue the right resources.

In some other streams of Judaism, the primary source of information before marriage is a ‘Chattan and Kallah’ class or individual meetings with a rabbi, rebbetzin , or other educator. Often, these classes cover specific mitzvot and procedures related to the laws of “family purity.”  Ideally, such classes would also discuss practical knowledge that both members of the couple would need to be successful in physical and emotional intimacy. Indeed, there are important efforts underway to train rabbis and other educators to provide guidance in this area, and provide sensitive and accurate responses to questions that may arise.  

First of all, let me express to you my sympathy at this difficult time where your marriage has broken down. One cannot legislate love and feelings, only actions.  Our tradition offers  specific legal rulings and ethical principles with regard to the expectations of sexual relations in the context of marriage, but the pain of each broken relationship is unique.

 

The Jewish tradition does describe a mutually gratifying sexual relationship as one of the expected criteria for married life.   While neither partner must be available to the other at all times or in all ways (indeed, this is one of the effects of the system of  “Taharat Hamishpacha” the monthly cycle of abstention, mikvah and intimacy among those who observe it), the expectation is that both partners will make a good faith effort to maintain the physical aspect of the relationship on a regular basis.

 

According to the classical sources,  from the Mishnah onward, if one of the partners is not able to meet the reasonable need of the other partner for physical intimacy,  that is considered grounds for divorce.  One source which lays out  these criteria is the Shulchan Aruch.   One subsection (Even Ha-ezer 76:1-13, 77:1) lays out the grounds for the husband’s responsibility to provide for the physical gratification of his wife, even going to the level of specifying the frequency of relations based on his occupation and travel.

The following section (Even Ha’ezer 77:2-5) describes the wife’s parallel responsibilities to her husband.  It defines the category of a Moredet- a woman who refuses to engage in sexual relations with her husband over an extended period of time.   It specifies a very detailed process for the Beit Din, the Jewish court,  to work with the couple, over periods of at least a  month, and up to a year, but if the couple are not reconciled, then divorce (through  the husband’s granting of a “get” ) is the result.  It is worth noting that a husband does not grant a “get” unilaterally.  A Beit Din is involved to ensure that the proper procedures are followed.

     A husband is permitted  to initiate this process, but not required to do so.  There may be extenuating circumstances.  To take an example not relevant to your situation: while some couples remain sexually active into old age, others reach a point where their physical capabilities, or mutual expectations of the relationship no longer include sex, though they may still enjoy other forms of physical affection.  Such couples are not required to seek a divorce just because neither of them desire continued sexual activity, and typically other factors maintain the strength of the relationship.   Other couples may chose to stay together for financial reasons or “for the sake of the children.” However, it is not healthy for a person to be denied a safe outlet for appropriate sexual desires, nor, more importantly, to be in relationship with a partner who is actively antagonistic.  A marriage where one partner desires physical intimacy and the other does not, or where one partner dislikes the other, is likely to be harmful to both partners and to those around them.

   Therefore, according to Jewish ethics, if your wife states that she does not love you and no longer wishes to be intimate with you over an extended period of time, you would be permitted to initiate the process that might end with a divorce carried out through the “get,” and through whatever civil procedures might be appropriate where you reside.  Throughout the divorce process, there are Jewish ethical obligations that apply (for example,the oblgation to care for any children in the family, and  the prohibition on Lashon Harah, gossip).  I would recommend a book by my colleague, Rabbi Perry Netter, called “Divorce is a Mitzvah” which covers these and many related topics.

    Whether divorce is "right" or not depends on the outcome of that process, where other resources might be brought to bear.  The Shulchan Aruch, cited above, notes that part of the process of “moredet” involves inquiring of the woman why she no longer desires intimacy with her husband, and the code suggests a range of possible causes that must be explored.  To list a few examples: she may no longer find him attractive, he may have been abusive or hurtful , or another party may be involved.   Some are the “fault” of one partner or the other, others may be beyond human control.  What unites them is that often a breakdown in physical intimacy is preceded by a breakdown in emotional intimacy, and resolution of the emotional issues could lead to resolution of the physical issues.

   I would therefore encourage you, or any couple whose relationship has reached this stage, to seek professional guidance together.   Depending on the circumstances, you might choose a rabbi with expertise in couples and relationship counseling,  or a professional counselor who is sensitive to Jewish values. With their assistance  you could determine what  factors in your relationship that have led to this impasse, and whether they still might be resolved successfully.   If such counsel does not bring about reconciliation, or if your partner is unwilling to seek such assistance, then you would be within your rights to pursue a divorce. 

 

There have been a number of ritual responses from the Jewish community to the devastating oil spill in the gulf.  I can speak most directly to those within the Conservative movement, with which I am affiliated, though I know that others have responded as well.  Conservative Rabbis and communities have been encouraged to participate in a national  day of prayer services on Friday, July 30th- materials and further information are still in development as I write 12 days before. 

Our Jewish tradition sets important role for prayer in response to specific events in the world, on both the micro and the macro scale.  The Talmud (tractate Ta’anit 19a) describes days of communal prayer, fasting, and sounding of the shofar that were enacted in response to disasters,  natural and man-made including drought, crop disease, wild animal attacks,  building collapse and warfare.  The  Amidah, which is part of every daily service, includes points where the worshipper may address current situations and concerns in a more personal way.

With these ideals in mind, a number of rabbis have already been organizers and participants in national and local gatherings addressing the disaster in the gulf.  To take just two examples, Rabbi Julie Schonfeld, president of the Conservative Rabbinical Assembly, visited the Gulf of Mexico with other rabbis as well as religious leaders of other faiths, on a trip that was covered widely by the media.  Rabbi Ethan Linden of congregation Shir Chadash in Metarie, Louisiana, was one of the officiants at an interfaith prayer service in the New Orleans area.  While this perhaps goes beyond the scope of your question, it is worth noting that among Jewish communities, there are disagreements as the the types of interfaith prayer that might be permitted- some would only participate in a gathering where  prayers of all types are reflected,  while others would only participate if prayers were non-denominational, without reference to a non-Jewish religious concepts or forms of worship, and some might not participate at all.

Let me close, then, by noting that there have already been a number of efforts to address this disaster specifically within the context of Jewish prayer and Jewish community.  So, for example, in May 2010, soon after the scope of the disaster became apparent, Rabbis Danielle Upbin and Rabbi David Weizman, of Congregation Beth Shalom in Clearwater, FL composed a prayer, which has already been used in hundreds of Jewish communities across the country.  I share it here, with their permission, and with hope for healing for the gulf and for the well-being of all people whose lives and liveihood depend on its waters.

A Prayer for the Gulf of Mexico- composed by Rabbis Danielle Upbin and David Weizman

Ribono Shel Olam, Master of the Universe, “Maker of the heavens and earth, the seas and all they contain, “Oseh shamayim va’aretz et ha’ayam v’et kol asher bam”(Psalm 146):

Grant protection and sheltering peace to the myriads of living creatures who make their watery home in the Gulf of Mexico.  Shield them from the slick, suffocating forces of the oil geyser. Guard every turtle and every fish, every crawling creature and every swimming creature.  Protect each and every organism, from microbe to mammal. As the Psalmist said: Mah Rabu ma’asecha Y-AH kulam b’chochmah asitah… “How great are your works, Oh, Breath of Life, with Wisdom you created it all. The earth is filled with your creatures. Here is the great, vast sea, teeming with numberless living things, great and small…  All of them look to You” (Psalm 104). Let us cease from obscuring Your countenance with our contaminants.

Ha’Borei- Creator of the Universe: Grant us the ability to act responsibly with Your planet. To till and to tend it, to guard it and to guide it, to preserve it and to ensure that there is a healthy earth for us and for the next generation to enjoy. Awake in us the spirit of stewardship, to use our resources wisely, to create alternative sustainable energy , and to love and to live deeply in harmony with all of Your Creation. We are but sojourners on this planet of Yours, as it says in Your Torah, “Ki li ha’aretz, ki gerim v’toshavim, atem imadi” (Vayikra 25:23).

We recall Your covenant, never to destroy the earth again; may we be strengthened as partners in Creation, also, to never destroy the earth. May we return from our environmental aveirot, and set our path straight for a cleaner, clearer and healthier planet.

Let us say, Amen.